Random Musings
by Beezleboss
Summary: A collection of one-shots based around silly concepts my mind comes up with. If you enjoy a good laugh, or simply enjoy seeing a random ending, stop on by. Will include Naruto, Bleach, Harry Potter and anything else I think of. Reviews appreciated.
1. Popping Pills

First in a one-shot series. Each one will be very quick, as they centre around a single idea. First one takes place during the Pain Invasion Arc. Enjoy

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Uzumaki Naruto was engaged in what could only be described as the greatest fight of his life, and indeed, one of the greatest battles ever to have taken place in Konoha's history. Period. His foe was none other than the diabolical leader of Akatsuki, the man with six, sorry I mean seven, bodies. The one, the only, Pain aka Nagato aka supreme bastard.

Naruto had already arrived to find his beloved village in ruins, and after a brief period of intense combat, had managed to reduce Pain done to a single body. His expert use of Rasengan; Rasenshuriken and Sage Chakra had propelled him to an equal, and dare I say it, superior level to the villain. Pain seemed to have realised this fact, and although his face remained as stoic and unreadable as possible (owning to a tragic lack of facial nerves, caused by a childhood accident) his mind was a whirlwind of activity.

"Damn this impudent brat!" he thought to himself "If I am defeated here, my dream for a world of peace will never come to fruition. For, the world will only know true peace once it knows true Pain. Yes, that's right. I capitalise the word Pain, even when its not being used as my name. God I'm evil."

Out loud, he spoke to Naruto, in that same robotic, emotionless voice of his (which was surprisingly similar to Brad Pitt's) "You have forced me to the very limits of my power, and I acknowledge your might as an adversary. However, your pitiful opposition will end with this next attack!"

With that, he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a vial. "Damn it, I'm been forced to resort to using Soldier Pills like a common Genin." he thought "I guess using the power of gravity to crush the whole of Konoha cost me more than I would've thought. I curse the day I signed that summoning contract with Isaac Newton! Does he not realise the might of the God he is dealing with?! And do I not realise the futility of using rhetorical questions to prove a point to myself?! Well, do I?!"

(One might ask why Naruto did not simply capitalise on Pain's apparent distracted state. The answer being that, in this universe, only evil ninja attack from the shadows. Good ninjas wait for designated attack opportunities, so that no valuable opportunity for a flashback or character development monologue is missed. And Naruto was most certainly a good ninja. Moving on.)

His face still betraying none of his inner mental trauma, he calmly placed a single pill in his mouth and swallowed. Moments passed, and a bead of sweat formed on his otherwise porcelain face. Then, he seemed to pull at his collar, miming a choking action. His movements became even more frenzied as he appeared to be clawing at his own throat in a mad fashion. After 5 minutes of this, he collapsed to the ground, and lay still.

Naruto tentatively moved closer, and poked the now deceased body. Kicking it once for good measure and finding no signs of life, he cautiously reached to the ground to examine the vial that was so obviously the cause of the madman's death. As he read the label, a visible sweat drop appeared on the back of his head. "I just can't believe this…" he mumbled.

For, on the label was clearly written:

_Aspirin_

_Guaranteed Pain-Killer_

_

* * *

_Fear the Pun


	2. Old Age

Next chapter's Bleach. Set during the Soi Fon Barragan fight. Enjoy.

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Soi Fon, captain of the Sereitei's Second Division, leader of the Secret Ninja Police, and 5 time winner of the prestigious "Smallest Breasts for a Female Bleach Character" was officially screwed. No, make that Screwed, with a capital S. The might of the creature before her was overpowering, and even as the fight began she only had a snowball's hope in hell of winning. With the release of his Resurreccion, however, it was almost possible to hear that same snowball screaming for mercy before exploding. The King of Hueco Mundo, Barragan, was terrible to behold.

The lack of her one arm was not helping Soi Fon either, for she had been forced to have it removed moments before, as she was unprepared for what Barragan's attack was capable of. The only small mercy she had received was that at least her arm was not bleeding horribly from the stump, causing her to die from blood loss. It is believed that the sheer force of her Awesome was holding the blood at bay, but that is a scientific debate for another day. She quickly assessed her possible actions, using the time that was given to her by Barragan's incessant need to hold an Evil Villain Monologue, as was the norm.

"So, this is the might of the feared Shinigami?" snorted Barragan "Bah! Barely a workout. You're nothing but an insect! An ant! You hear me? An ant! …Goodness me, my metaphors are good…For in the same way that an ant is tiny and weak, so too this shinigami is tiny and weak. I wonder if everybody heard me the first time? …Maybe not. I better repeat it a few more times, just in case…Ant! Insect! Ant! Insect! Insect! Insect! Okay, that's surely done it. Moving on"

Barragan finally got back to the point "You see, shinigami ant, each of the Espada hold dominion over one of the aspects of Death. Mine just happens to be that of Old Age. With my power, all around me is aged and reduced to a meaningless pile of insects! …Sorry, I mean, dust! Mwahahahaha! …Ironic though, isn't it? That the old man should receive the power of Old Age? …I personally see it as typecasting…I mean, I could've easily been given the aspect of 'Death by Too Much Sex,' but noooo, he's the old man, of course he must be given Old Age….bastards…anyway, to sum up this little monologue, you're basically doomed, etc etc yadda yadda get over it."

Something clicked in Soi Fon's mind at this point. She had one weapon left to her that would be perfect to defeat this foe. Contrary to popular belief, Soi Fon had never unveiled her Bankai in a real battle, not because she was ashamed of it, but because, despite being powerful, it simply did not have a wide application of uses. However, no other battle could possible be better than this one for her to use it...

Smirking, she raised her sword in her one remaining hand, and began to charge her energy. As it formed a glowing sphere around her, she was obscured from view, and a shape could be seen forming next to her. It was humanoid, that much was visible, but nothing else was. Barragan peered towards her, trying to make out this newest threat, and as he sensed the energy of the finished product, he stumbled back in horror…for, he knew what this power meant for him…it was his polar opposite, and the only thing capable of defeating him.

Soi Fon stood next to her mighty Summon, and smiled. She knew this battle was won. In a whisper, she spoke, but it was somehow audible for miles around.

_"Bankai: Green Beast of Konoha"_

And with a mighty roar, Might Gai charged forward, shouting:

"Yosh! Time to spread the power of Youth!!!!"

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Youth beats Age, bitches.


	3. Common Sense

Thanks to all those who reviewed. Mystery Hunter, I hope I manage to continue entertaining you. You were so complimentary, I really don't want to disappoint you :)

Here's Chapter 3; Harry Potter this time. It deals with a specific issue my one friend brought to my attention. Enjoy.

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The Forbidden Forest. Site of the final showdown between Good and Evil; Black and White; David and Goliath; Gryffindor and Slytherin; Snake and Lion...Well, you get the picture…

Harry Potter and Voldemort stared at each other with mutual hate in their eyes. Harry had just seemingly returned from the grave after being hit by an Aveda Kedava, and Voldemort was somewhat perturbed to say the least. He stared at the Elder Wand in his hand, as if disbelieving what had just occurred, and wanting subconsciously to blame the wand. "What power is this that Potter possesses?" he mentally hissed, with superb use of alliteration, "Lord Voldemort is the only one who is allowed to cheat death! Lord Voldemort is the only one deserving such divinity! Lord Voldemort spent 30 years building up enough power to be worthy of speaking only in the 3rd person, and now, this upstart challenges Lord Voldemort?! Well, no more!"

As he raised his wand to cast yet another spell to try and finish his nemesis off once and for all, Harry started speaking, "I guess you're wondering what happened Tom, and how I survived. Allow me to explain…"

"Please don't." Voldemort interrupted "There's nothing worse than a Good Guy Monologue. Its even worse than an Evil Villain Monologue. In fact, I was planning on just killing you now, I really don't need to hear it. I could always examine your corpse later and…"

"…You see Tom," Harry continued, ignorant to his opponent's apparent distress, "You believe that Snape was the owner of the Elder Wand, as he killed Dumbledore, and that when you killed Snape, you inherited the ownership from him. However, at the time of his death, Dumbledore had already been disarmed by Draco Malfoy. This meant that Draco was now, in fact, the Elder Wand's master. And when I defeated Draco Malfoy, I therefore inherited the Wand from him. Now, if you will recall the legend of the Deathly Hallows…"

"..Can you just hold it right there?" Voldemort cut in. He had drifted off halfway through the explanation, and was now attempting to remove a hangnail using his wand, oblivious to Harry's rambling. However, he broke in once he saw Harry move to summon a chalkboard with explanatory diagrams. The speech he could ignore, but not the diagrams…oh no…"Just cut to the chase already!" he grumbled.

"…Basically, that wand will never work against me, and any spell you use will be deflected back against you. If you use it, you will die." Harry quickly summarised.

Now, Voldemort could have processed that information in any number of ways. He could have ordered a henchmen to kill Harry. He could have used his old wand. He could have beaten Harry to death with his bare hands. He could have even hurled Death Eaters at him until the sheer weight of their carcasses crushed Harry to death. However, he did not chose any of these options. We will never know whether his lack of nose had caused a diminished blood supply to his brain, but this is what he did…

Voldemort stared at Harry, blinked a couple times and said, "You make a persuasive argument Harry…But on the other hand: AVEDA KEDAVA!!!"

**BOOM**

Harry: 1

Voldemort: 0

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Epic Fail

This is essentially what Rowling did with the plot, I do not jest.


	4. IndependantDarkEmoHarry

Thanks for the reviews guys. I seem to be getting through these quite quickly ha ha. Here's chapter 4. Another Harry Potter one, based on a couple of massive clichés in Harry Potter fanfics. Enjoy.

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Harry Potter strode purposefully through the lobby of Gringotts Wizarding Bank, and he was pissed. It was the summer after the 5th book, sorry, I mean 5th year, and Harry had spent that morning in a great deal of introspective ranting. His beloved godfather, Sirius Black, had been murdered a few weeks prior, and Harry had thought of nothing else since then. The first few days were filled with a great deal of cutting and various forms of self-mutilation, as well as intermittent beatings from Vernon Dursley, because, if you're going to have a Dark!Emo!Harry story, you may as well go all the way. Slowly, the amount of crying Harry did diminished, not only because the floor was getting soggy, but because Harry began to feel that sadness replaced with anger.

He was angry at himself, angry at the Wizarding World, but most of all, he was angry at Albus Dumbledork. Yes, Dumbledork. That was the most witty insult he could come up with, so he decided to go with it. The old goat had obviously been behind the whole thing, he was responsible for Sirius' death, as well as all the other major catastrophes throughout his life. His entire life had just been one big manipulation, oh how could he have been so blind?! …As he continued to fume, Harry found other links in his mind of Dumbledork's crimes. He was obviously also responsible for the Hindenburg, the Titanic, the extinction of the dinosaurs and Paris Hilton. Harry realised that he would need to break free of this master puppeteer's control, and immediately ran outside and used the Knight Bus to travel to Diagon Alley. Time was of the essence, for who knew what Dumbledork was plotting…

(Actually, Dumbledore was lying unconscious on his office floor. A lemon drop had fallen and rolled under his desk, and he had crawled under to rescue it. He then stood up too quickly, and had hit his head rather hard… Oh what a devious bastard this was, hiding behind this kindly old man exterior… Your tricks won't fool us!)

As he entered Gringotts, Harry had, of course, already proclaimed his independence by using his remaining cash to do the following: purchase a new set of leather clothing; obtain a few piercings; buy a potion that would correct his eye-sight; get several tattoos; buy a pet baby phoenix and basilisk that were now perched on opposing shoulders; and take up smoking. All of this was mandatory in a Independent!Dark but Good!Emo!Harry story, but it did look ridiculous on this short, runty, malnourished figure.

So, as mentioned earlier, Harry was striding purposefully, albeit a little lopsidedly and with a bit of wheezing. Those pets were heavy damn it! And the smoke was making him cough quite heavily. He finally managed to make it to a teller, and the goblin attendant sneered down at him.

"Yes? Can I help you?" he sneerily sneered.

"I am Harry James Potter, and I demand to have a lineage test performed!" Harry proclaimed haughtily "Hop to it Griphook!"

The goblin exploded backwards with the shear force of how grateful he was that Harry had remembered his name. "Oh Mr. Potter!" he said "At once sir, at once! No one else has ever remembered my name; you are truly a mighty wizard! Would you like anything else? Perhaps a massage? My first born?"

Harry was somewhat taken aback, but regained his bearings quickly "Yes, umm, well, thank you, but no…now what I need is a lineage test. I need to see which ancient families I am related to, so that I can access their vast vaults and gain enough money to buy a castle. Or two. As well as several harem girls. And a gigantic gold statue of myself. All this will prove my independence to Dumbledork." He cackled a bit, then coughed twice.

"Oh of course, Mr. Potter! How witty your insults are as well!" Griphook merrily chirped "Now, allow me to perform the test…" There was a pregnant pause…

(9 months later)

(…Just kidding, sorry, always wanted to use that joke.)

(5 minutes later)

"…Wow!" Griphook exclaimed, "It says here that you are directly related to Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, Gryffindor, Peverell, Merlin, Morgana, King Arthur, Flamel and even God himself!"

"Of course" said Harry "That's completely believable, and I totally expected that. Now, empty the contents of their vaults! I can't wait to see what vast riches await me! …A new world order is at hand!"

"…Your total wealth comes to 10 galleons, 9 sickles, 3 knuts, and a dead rat." Griphook deadpanned.

"What?!" Harry shouted, "There must be a mistake! Those people were the wealthiest people alive in their time! How can this be?!"

"Yes Mr. Potter, they were the wealthiest people of their age..." Griphook explained "…But that age was over 1000 years ago. Most people at that time could only hope to earn a sickle in one lifetime. That shows you how wealthy these families were."

Harry stood flabbergasted. His dreams were dashed. There goes the castles, the harem and the statue…Actually, there goes his schooling as well. He had spent his entire trust fund that same morning. Hey, basilisks and phoenixes are expensive!

"…and as well as that Mr. Potter, there's another unexpected issue here. " Griphook continued, "It appears as though no vault rental charges have been paid in over 800 years. This is a gross violation, and must be dealt with immediately." He did a quick calculation in his head, "..10 vaults at standard fee…times 800…times 12…Mr. Potter, your total fine comes to 1 2269 928 galleons, 5 sickles and 3 knuts…Will that be cash or credit Mr. Potter?"

Harry couldn't believe his ears. He was doomed! How could he pay that?! Ever?!

"…mmgusleszwqi…" he gurgled incoherently.

"Eloquently put Mr. Potter, but it does not quite solve the issue here." said Griphook, "Now if you are unable to pay the fine, then under Gringotts law, you shall work here under indentured servitude until such time as it is paid in full. Keeping in mind the continued interest being added as the debt remains outstanding…There's also some stuff about honey and bears and such-like…man, I love 15th century laws!" Griphook smiled quite toothily, and all of a sudden seemed quite menacing for a 3 foot tall creature. "Guards, take Mr. Potter to his new quarters. I expect he will be spending a great deal of time with us, and we do not want to stop him from getting settled in."

Harry was gripped from both sides and was in the process of being dragged away, when Griphook suddenly shouted "Halt!"

Harry froze. Could this be an act of mercy? Could all of this have been one big joke? Was Griphook going to save him?

"I'm not so cruel as to take everything from you Mr. Potter." Griphook smiled, "Here, you may have your dead rat. Enjoy."

_…It is said that Goblins are cruel and heartless. They're not really that bad. Just frightfully good at what they do. Although, whether that is any better, is a subject open for debate._

_

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_…If I see one more "Sirius/Serious" joke in a fanfic, there will be hell to pay. I couldn't even bring myself to mock it here.


	5. Needing Something to Hate

Thanks for the reviews guys, keep giving me ideas. Numa Waffle: I'm working on the Kenpachi one, and I got nothing for DBZ yet, although I will get there :P. Anyway, here's chapter 5, we're back to Naruto again. Enjoy.

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Team Snake, the mighty vanguards of the similarly mighty Uchiha Sasuke, stood watch outside a cave. Their illustrious leader had just been involved in a life or death battle with his fiendish brother, Itachi. Sasuke had harboured feelings of hatred and revenge against his misbegotten kin for years, and finally had been given an opportunity to act on them. Thankfully for the continuity of the story, he had emerged the victor, but immediately afterwards was spirited away to this same cave by a mysterious masked man. Disregarding the wonderful alliteration in that last sentence, Snake were understandably concerned for what was happening to Sasuke. All of a sudden, Sasuke exited the cave, stepping for in to the sunlight.

"Snake" he intoned in his monotone 'Uchiha Voice', "For years now I have hated Itachi. I have sought revenge against him in all forms, and today, I have achieved my ambition. But today, I have also been informed of a great evil. Itachi was not the one responsible for his actions. He had always loved me, and in fact, I realise that I always loved him in return. Really deep down. Really really deep down. Really really really deep down. Like, we're talking 'digging to China' here…But regardless of all that, he was not to blame… "

Snake were collectively shocked. Sasuke had hated Itachi so fiercely; to suddenly learn that he was not Satan incarnate as always believed was massive news.

"..So you see, the ones that were really responsible were part of Konoha." Sasuke finished explaining, "Konoha shall now bear my hate and I shall have my revenge on them! …I have not had 10 years to properly build up a good amount of hatred, but it shall have to do! Onwards! ...And in recognition of the new avenue of hate we are pursuing, we shall henceforth be known as Team Hawk!"

Snake, or rather Hawk, looked at each other and shrugged. Surely Sasuke must know what he was doing. Anyway, Suigetsu was sure that now he'd have more chances to kill people, so he didn't really care. As for Sasuke himself, he stood, his hair blowing in the wind, his Mangekyo Sharingan spinning, cackling about revenge and hatred and suchlike as the scene faded to black, and we entered a time skip.

_(Time Skip: Some Time Later)_

Team Hawk were dashing in true ninja fashion from tree to tree in the forest surrounding Konoha. They were on a mission, Sasuke would be granted his revenge at all costs! …As they got closer to the city center, Sasuke ordered a halt, and motioned Karin to come to him.

"Karin" he spoke "I want you to enter Konoha under a henge. Then, I want you to examine the situation and decide upon preferable attack openings. And then my revenge and hatred shall be quelled! …We shall wait here for your return." Dutiful Karin rose, and rushed towards her objective…

… Some time later, Karin returned, with a look of disbelief on her face. Sasuke approached her and said, "Well, silly girl? Out with it! Have you done as I asked? What have you discovered? I ask many questions, don't I? …That last one was rhetorical, you don't have to answer it"

Karin stuttered, "Well….umm….uh…you see…the thing is…Konoha….it's...it's gone!"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes, "What you mean, 'Gone'?"

Karin continued, "…Well, you see it appears as though Konoha is just a big crater in the ground!"

Sasuke was stunned, "So that means….I can never have my revenge? I have nothing left to hate?"

"…And the one responsible was none other than Pain!" finished Karin.

"Aha!" Sasuke yelled, "Hawk, just when it seemed as though we would never be able to fulfill our dreams of revenge, it appears as though we have been given a new new avenue of hate to follow! How could I have been so blind?! The real one responsible for my life's problems was so plain to see, but I missed it under the smokescreen of Itachi and Konoha! I hereby pledge my hatred to Pain, and we shall pursue him to the ends of the earth! I shall have my revenge! …And in recognition of this new enemy, we shall henceforth be known as Team Iguana!"

"…Pain's already dead." Karin cut in.

Sasuke was well and truly at a loss for words, "But…umm…hatred…and revenge…and stuff…Sasuke wants revenge….Sasuke wanna person to hate…" He drifted off and appeared as though he would burst in to tears at any point.

He quickly recovered though. "Aha!" He proudly exclaimed, "It seems as though I was mislead by even this, but now the truth is plain to see! The truth is, that the one responsible for my life's problems is none other than…" At this, he trailed off and began looking frantically from side to side, before settling on the closest object.

"…that rabbit over there!" He announced triumphantly, pointing to the offending rodent, "Oh how clever you were rabbit! You hid your plans behind Itachi and Konoha and Pain, while you remained the true enemy! What do you have to say for yourself?!"

The rabbit twitched his nose in response.

"Ah, your lies won't work on me, fiendish devil-bunny!" Sasuke ranted, with a slight foaming at the mouth now, "I pledge my hatred to you, rabbit, and I will pursue you to the ends of the earth to see my revenge on you fulfilled!"

The rabbit appeared none the worse for all the accusations, and simply hopped into a nearby bush.

"He's getting away!" shouted Sasuke, "He is denying me my ambition, my hatred, and my revenge! Team Platypus, charge!" With those words, he hurtled off in to the forest in search of his nemesis.

The newly dubbed Team Platypus looked at one another before shaking their heads and slowly leaping to the tree's to pursue their leader. Hey, maybe Sasuke was insane, maybe he always had been. But, in all fairness, stranger and less logical things had happened in _Naruto_ before, so who were they to complain?

* * *

Sasuke does seem to have major dependency issues, except, his take the form of constantly needing something to hate. I think this is a fair scenario to imagine.

I personally like imagining that the rabbit is the one from _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_, but more than likely it was just a bystander.


	6. Crossover Hell

Hey guys! Here's chapter 6. This one is a little different, but hopefully still funny. It's inspired by all those ridiculous crossover fics you see, with two worlds that have absolutely nothing in common colliding, and somehow still working. This upsets me.

So here's my take on it. The first half of my crossover here is X-Men. As for the other, well…you'll see…mwahaha…

Enjoy.

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All was calm in the mighty X-mansion. Class was in session, and the younger X-students were learning from their X-teachers, and for all accounts and purposes, it was a normal X-day. Suddenly, the X-alarm was blaring, and all the X-Men dropped what they were doing (in Cyclops's case, this meant dropping Jean Grey) and rushed to the X-conference room, where Professor Xavier sat at his desk, with a pensive look on his face.

"Team" said Xavier, "I would not have summoned you away from what little free time you have if it was not an X-Emergency…but sadly, it is…the fate of the world hangs in the balance, and it is up to you to be able to do anything about it."

"Great jolly jeepers!" said Cyclops, rather unexpectedly "What's the issue Professor? Is it Magneto again? Galactus? Spider-Man on a sugar high? The Powerpuff Girls? The Girl Scouts?"

"No Scott." The Xavier gravely said, "Indeed, those were all fine guesses, and any of them could destroy the earth…but it is not them…it is a far more ancient evil. I have recently learned that the herald of an apocalyptic force has arrived in this very city. The force is ancient, and incomprehensively powerful."

"Pssh," Wolverine snorted, "Incomprehensible or not; I bet it wouldn't like my claws through his chest."

Xavier was stunned, "My god Logan…you just used a 6 syllable word! Congratulations!"

There was brief applause.

Xavier continued, "…but I fear, that would not be enough….Certain Mayan tablets have prophecized the return of the Evil, and they have foreseen its return in the form of an all-powerful dark rodent, with matching initials. We would have no hope of defeating this foul critter, but thankfully, it is not yet in our dimension. He has sent his herald to prepare for his arrival. She takes the form of a powerful witch, who holds the power to enthrall those that hear her to her service. From there, she absorbs their life-force and uses it to slowly open the gateway for her master. If we are able to defeat her before she has completed her task, we shall have averted the dark force's arrival."

Using the co-ordinates Xavier had managed to extract from Cerebro, the X-Men set off in the X-Jet to where the witch was most likely to be found. They discovered that she was at the hub of a nexus of evil, where she had gathered her vast numbers of followers, and was preparing to open the gate. The team wasted no time, and parachuted out of the jet down to the writhing mass of bodies below.

As there were a fair few of the X-Men after 40-odd years of comic books, their descent was immediately noticeable to their enemies. The witch sent her servants, who, zombie-like, attempted to halt the progress of our heroes. The X-men managed to subdue the zombie-people without causing any permanent harm, and were making good progress towards the witch, when all of a sudden, she opened her mouth, and unleashed a devastating stream of shrieks, that stunned the X-Men and even began rupturing their ear drums.

Our heroes were paralyzed, and all hope began to be lost, when, slowly and confidently, Wolverine rose to his feet. He alone was their salvation, for, much like the end of X-Men 3, he immediately healed all damaged caused to him. This allowed him to, step by step and inch by inch, make his way towards the witch's podium. As he arrived, he raised forward his claws, and drove them through the vicious hell-witch's throat.

The world was saved, thanks to Logan aka. Wolverine.

"Heh" he chuckled to himself, "Bitch wasn't that tough."

As he said that, he retracted his claws, and Hannah Montana fell lifeless to the floor.

* * *

No flames from Hannah-Lovers please.

…Now does the line about the rodent with matching initials make sense? :P


End file.
